My first formal marriage was against my wish. I was blackmailed, so I complied: to stay in the country- I was told- you want to be married. 2/2/1985 – 5/10/1985 ENTRANCE- WEDDING. My wish to never o later at another stage to get married. Yet, I was with him for now 2 1/2 years and I never wished to remove myself from that relationship, so why not getting married – I said: but NO LONG WEDDING GOWN! No church.

I was 21. He then 23. Alejandro was studied. Germany. He was also a musician! Realize, for me saying he was a MUSICIAN was more than playing nor performing an instrument: he made music! La transversal flute Queerflöte, also La Kena! He was very very talented at both!

He played ice hockey IN MEXICO CITY!

After our both studies in Hamburg/ GERMANY we played together in a band and went on stages touring each and every weekend up to 5x. In Mexico, I asked him about continuing to make music, whereas he resumed : Now being married life is NOT all fun (diversion/Span). – Uh!?

I “obeyed”.

I was ok with that and wished to sing, instead of playing the tenor sax, as I was doing in Germany.

In Germany all our time went by studying and rehearsing/ performing. In Mexico, he began his job soon, yet we did went often at first to the movies. We visited his families weekend houses up North, and the warm summer house South. He wasn’t wanting to such anylonger soon or right at the beginning of OUR LIFE – after having introduced me to his SPOT. As I said: if I proposed an activity – even cost free – he’d say rotundently No!, but when his friend called, with the same wish he’d say Yes.

Then, we got our own apartment. A very pretty one. He was never wishing to meet me there. He wanted to remain after work at his parents house EVERY DAY – although nobody was doing anything but watching tv / soap operas ALL AFTERNOON- and he wished me to reach him there after my work. I did not complied. I said it and went straight to our house. There I was awaiting him in the more empty than furnished place, ironing his shirts one by one on a low on the floor micro-iron board. Our life as I wished NEVER STARTED.

Here is a voice statement – upon demand from my current husband / love of my life:

He never ever talked. He plunged. I implored him to break his silence, to let me see what it is that bothered him + what were his expectations. He stayed silent, by a unhappy face, yet the energy he was emanating was asfixiating – deathening. One day I could not stay it anylonger. He left.

Aftermaths

At my going to Mexico at age 20/21 I was with life experience. I felt so much more than a little girl. I was a bit wise, then. Although later in life – in comparison- I had been soooo green / inexperienced!

I mean, I felt then, I was adult enough to make certain choices. So, I did. I fought for my dreams, thus I wasn’t entirely supported by the family. It was hard.

Later, after the marriage, I got to understand certain items I had never seen before: Alejandro was a tiny spoiled child who had never made a choice in his life! A lahm-arsch (a boring inactive middle class no man), as my step mother remarked while it was finished. I never saw that, either!